Monday, 18 January 2010

'Avatar' wins Golden Globe for best drama.... How the fuck did that happen?

Before we give you the only critique you will need to read about this appalling over hyped story of

“US baddies attempting to exploit and steal the natural resources of a colony of space niggers who don’t even know they’ve got them,

we explain why it won a “Golden Globe”

OK so if this film is as bad as the Smugboard claims, why did it win a “Golden Globe”?

“The people and multinationals who fund Hollywood demand a re

turn on their $500 million investment” simple as that.

In its favour the special effects in Avatar are stunning, so much so that, feeble minded people have started naming their children after the films characte

rs, this is more likely to be those who have half caste broods and feel a sudo African name is more appropriate and will look better on the benefits claim form than “Jordan” “Brittany” “Ryan” or “Callum”

So what is Avatar all about?

The Plot:

US big business has stripped the world of all its resources so it is casting its net wider into space for new sources of who knows what!

Enter this massive US space prospecting or mining company (It is never made clear) that seems to have been equipped by the US military and appear have enough hardware and technology to overthrow their clients but we are not supposed to notice that!

They realise Alien worlds are likely new sources of “resource” and in true good ole US style decided that sneaking in and trying to con the owners out of the goods is the best way to approach the problem, this is achieved by using a machine which can create clones of the local populous (Avatars Clever huh!!) who are controlled from pods by the US space

prospecting or mining company.

Of course those who are being used as Avatars have not been checked out before hand (Oh please!) and turn out to be the kind of treacherous Muppet's who will immediately go native! Which of course they do, leaving said US space prospecting or mining company with no course but to follow standard US policy and invade with massive military force to protect what is rightfully the property of the US! That being t

he Space Niggers “natural resources” named Unobtainium!

Thrown into this melt you have the “All American hero”, the US caring educator (ugly annoying bint from Alien), the amusing geeky tech sp

ecialist, the meglomanic US para military leader,

the sexy pilot who sees the path or right against wrong (attractive bird big knockers) the greedy mining ops boss, The wise old space nigger leader, the space nigger warrior who hates “All American hero” (he has spotted he is an alien banging the best looking Space Nigger in the tree) but he finally approves of “All American hero” (who incidentally tames the biggest baddest flying monster that in all their history no space nigger has never ever managed to tame!! and which is unsurprisingly hot rod red)

Finally we come to righteous daughter of Space Nigger leader who has to show “All American hero” the ropes, who of course falls out with said hero but of course finally goes over like a one legged old lady on a frosty morning (no doubt creating yet another half caste in the process)

Anyway the climax arrives where “All American hero” now leads the Space Niggers who seem to be set on Kill Kill Kill (no change there) in an all out defense of their tree (yep they live up a tree so no change there either!) with bows and arrows against what seems to be a force of such force they really couldn’t fail, but of course all the animals in the space jungle join in and give the US a good kicking for a change.

Avatar is a mixture of every American film you have ever seen (all the plots from American films are transferable because all Hollywood commissioning editors are about 16 years old! but this just takes the piss) we can prove this, see the story of Pocahontas below!

BUT it is World Cup year and all those big US multinationals do want you all to go to Africa and buy their drinks hotel rooms etc and they play a huge part in funding these films so they let the spades win this time!

Mix in the worst dialogue I have ever had the misfortune to sit through, and you have Avatar the most expensive, most over hyped, most poorly directed, most poorly acted, heap of SHIT EVER to crawl out of toilet known as Hollywood.